But (yes, there is a BUT!) there is one more thingy to consider…
The Ugliest - How to unlearn & forget
You must already be well skilled at forgetting things, or you wouldn’t be reading Brainmachine 101 shitty witty tips, would you? But (yes, another butt’s but)…
Unlearning? Doh …wtf?
First, let me redefine DOH WTF for you: Declaring Obdurate Helluva War To #Fail.
Second, why should you forget or unlearn something? I’m sure you’re more than happy to repress the memory of a Godzilla you once dated or ignore the annoying facts about the loan. Unlearning is beneficial for your brainmachine, because it prevents #F2O syndrome. #F2O syndrome is caused by a nasty disease with a very complex Latin name “fail too often” and it’s defined as “doing the same mistakes/stupidities in the same way over and over again”. No #F2O for you, alright?
Third, let me explain why it is crucial to distinguish between unlearning and forgetting. Obviously, these words are not the same. If you forget something, you end up with not knowing what you once knew, but if you unlearn something, you still know it, you are just aware it’s not the right thing to do (anymore). Kinda. What I wanted to say is … huh, I forgot. I’m lost.
Unlearning… un… what?
There are three atrocious monsters you can destroy by unlearning: a beast called Un-geek, another one with strange nickname Un-habit and the most ferocious villain Un-thoughtway.
Once upon a time, there was a prince. No, he wasn’t. Once upon a time, there were Swedish defence forces who strongly believed that Soviet submarines are spying on them and testing some super-duper stealth techniques to eventually take over Sweden. Guys responsible for detect-submarine-or-detect-nothing devices were used to all the different noises and to distinguish whether there is (or isn’t) something fishy in the sea. And there was really something fishy going on. The Swedish government was so close to believing Soviets are organizing a war against Sweden, that they authorized the use of really hard-core firepower for (one) “submarine” hunt. Funny thing though, after that mayhem, they couldn’t find anything - neither whole submarine nor its parts. Then one day this dude, Tero Harkonen, Swedish seal expert, claimed that there is a possibility that guys were listening to young seals rap music. Of course, the government denied everything. Only after another political party took over, people started listening to dudes like Tero.
See what happens, if you think you know it all? Being a geek can be a good thing, but it can make you hunt submarines that don’t exist (at least not always). 😃
Bad habits are just… baaaad. Do you want to get rid of them? Unlearn them. Yeah, simple, I know. Afraid of heights, spiders, little green beings also called Walking mint bonbons? Do you want to stop drinking, smoking, smacking people? Stay with me.
You don’t need a vehicle to end up on highway of thoughts like “I suck. I’m such a failure. My bad karma ran over my dogma.” One moment of distraction (you notice a nice looking gal/dude) and you end up on this highway to Hell. Turn off the engine, we’ll make a detour. On foot.
OMG, what to do, what to do?!
Please, put down the gun. Just don’t panic, ok?
The hit list (for unlearning)
The most obvious thing, don’t go hunting submarines, silly you. Un-geek once in a while, it’ll do you some good.
The second most obvious thing, don’t be satisfied with quick solutions. Don’t be afraid to learn something new (e.g. to cook). Good is not good enough. There is one exception though - I’m good enough. Don’t argue.
The third most obvious thing, play with buttons. Remember Dee Dee (Dexter’s sis from cartoon Dexter’s Lab)? Be Dee Dee. Say “What does this button do?” while pressing red, blue and green buttons. See what happens. Don’t worry, Dexter will fix everything. Right? Right?!
Unfortunately, this hit list is not very efficient for eliminating thought zombies.
Whoa, thought zombies? You’re not in a horror movie. You are the horror movie, and your brainmachine is the lair of thought zombies. Thought zombies are hatched from brain cells with #F2O syndrome combined with bad habits. Take an unpleasant event, add an emotional charge to it and voila! You get persistent memory. Thought zombies are helluva persistent suckers.
How could you possibly destroy them? Well, because I’m a very simple person, I usually try with the KISS principle. Foolish, I know, but here it is … KISS principle applied to the zombie hunt.
Kamikaze Idiotic Simple Solutions (KISS)
Three basic approaches to the mission of the seek & destroy thought zombies:
- real-life hangman
- extreme makeover
They are straightforward, indeed, and can be expressed in terms of mathematic equations. Elementary, my dear Watson! Don’t give up on me just yet.
Definition Real-life Hangman: a phrase, meaning take your toys and go find a tree before I say Popocatepetl and use the rope.
Rope + Person = Person-- AND others get all your toys!
Definition Melancohol: noun, alcohol (lots of it) mixed with sadness and unreasonable amounts of melancholy
Drinking + Person = BrainCells--
Person * BrainCell = Vegetable
Definition Extreme Makeover: phrase/noun, lobotomy combined with I don’t give a f*** and a shotgun
Person + Extreme Makeover = Serial Killer
It seems that the KISS approach is not the best one for problem-solving. Because I’m a VIP person (LOL), I have rather good connections at higher levels with highly appreciated authorities in the area of making people wiser and happier. I consulted Master Yoda about this little KISS problem, and this is what he (it?) said … “Use the force, stupid!”
Master Yoda’s tricks
Here are the methods I was able to extract from Yoda after a series of some Chuck-Norris-would-be-proud kicks in the ass.
Don’t pull the trigger.
I don’t have a gun.
Yes, you do. I saw it only a few minutes ago (see Un-thought-way). Nevermind, in this case, the trigger is the situation (object, person) that makes you do bad things to yourself (yeah, the bad habit thingy). If you avoid such situations or get rid of the object that triggers undesired behaviour, you’re halfway to Heaven (or Hell - whatever you prefer). For example, if you’d like to quit smoking, don’t order samples of new brands of cigarettes on eBay. If you’d like to stop drinking, don’t buy books like “How to brew beer at home for Dummies”.
Disclaimer: I refuse the mere notion of sparkica being a trigger for your bad habits. No way. Go find yourself someone/something else to blame.
Extinction is BAD! Not.
Even the birds are politically engaged today. They’re using slogans like “Extinction is bad, you suck, you humans are destroying everything, you’ll make every species extinct. Extinction is bad.” Guess what? Not all extinction types are wrong. If you can make your problematic behaviour go extinct, you rule! Don’t let anyone spoil your extinction party!
Self + Monitor
If you are reading this, you probably have two things: (your)self and a monitor. Like I care… You should! But not for the monitor in front of you! You should (take) care about yourself by monitoring all the quirky, moody behavioural modes. Pay attention – pay it carefully and systematically so you don’t end up being a textbook example of chaos. The really messy one.
After further thirty minutes of pulling Yoda’s eyebrows, he (it?) made another disclosure about common mistakes people do. Yes, you included. Not me, though.
Whata mistaka to maka
Top three mistakes you can make:
- Thinking you **always #fail** and that it's stupid to even try anything. If you think this is your karma, please at least let others convince you into that, don't take their pleasure away, ok?
- After spilling a cup of coffee over your brand new laptop you roar "**My life is ruined! Forever**!!!" Your life ain't ruined, laptop's is.
- I'm looking funny at you (actually, I really am) and you think I hate you ... because you're ugly! You're not ugly, well, not as ugly as I am. **I think you hate me because I'm ugly**.
Whata mistaka to maka 2
Another top three mistakes you can make:
- You regularly practice **musterbation**, because you are convinced this is a new way of you-know-what. For your information -- it's not. **Musterbation** is a combination of Should, Must and Ought rules you force upon yourself - setting perfectionist deadlines, over-ambitious goals and impossible demands that can't be achieved. And then you punish yourself for not meeting them. Errr... wrong way, dude. Musterbation is forbidden, ok?
- You believe that every successful date/meeting (with you) is a **set-up**. In 95% it probably is, but we should have faith in that remaining 5%, ok?
- White and black are the _only_ colors you know - you are either the ruler of the world or a **total failure**. There's nothing in between. Let me tell you something. There is always something in between. Your nose, for example.
What can you learn from these mistakes? That your grandgrandgrand…..grandgrand dad was an ape? And his date with your grandgrandgrand…..grandgrand mom was a set-up? Sure. If you want to.
What I want you to do is to take RISC! No, this has nothing to do with having unprotected sexual intercourse. RISC is a four-stage cycle: Relax - Imagine - Stop - Can.
First, you have to relax so you can focus on the next steps. Then you should imagine something positive, like you possessing a Ferrari (you’re right, you’ve heard that one before). If you suddenly feel the urge to buy a yellow Ferrari, yell “Stop!” in your head. You don’t want a YELLOW Ferrari, and you don’t need a drink to imagine a RED Ferrari. Ok, you’re ready to go and steal one. You can do it. 😃
Yoda’s last words…
…right before he (it) kicked my ass for losing all his eyebrows:
Let me tell you something, punk! Take every failure (#fail) as a lesson in the School of Life - learn from everything single thing, either good or bad. **Now here's another lesson for you!!!**
Baaam! Kaboom! #%#” **?#! Bam!